Monday, May 22, 2006

people leaving -- I'm staying



No dreams to speak of


tomonklifiers = binoculars.

DK pulled up in his truck to the curb the moment he saw me.

“What time is it?”

The alarm went off at that precise moment. I have been waking up a moment or two before the alarm many times this week.

I’m choosing between poets. Who do I want to learn from?

At First Run Video picking out movies. K finally comes in. Snow’s accumulating so much in the car.

He wants to drive straight to New Orleans (it’s what he’s moved up here to do—go (move) on to New Orleans with me.) He’s annoyingly impatient. I have to wipe snow off car, and he’ll really let me.

We drive into town… where to have dinner? At DL’s? No, little food there. Where I’m housesitting in Putney?

K wants to drive straight to New Orleans. I hate to have to tell him that I don’t want to go right now. I’m afraid my car won’t make it—was really surprised I could drive to Florida and back with Dad (and drive us around while there). And really, I’m just not ready to move there right now. Got lots of stuff going on here and I’m not ready. I don’t have the time.

“But I came all this way,” he said. We decided to go back to Putney—the cabin is Richard’s—it’s attached to the main building.

I can’t remember if this happens before…
… after a bit of putzing around, we notice a white stretch limo pull up. Richard comes out of cabin to get inside. One of the women standing outside, he hugs fiercely and says “You have been on my mind so much these last three years(Help yourself to anything you want)”

He teared up and quickly dashed into the limo. Getting settled in there, he looked out the window and saw us standing there and waved. We waved back. I pointed out to K some people I know, like Will, who looks like William who lives in JK’s mom’s house.

Monday, May 01, 2006

in full possession of my life and my destiny


It's only one scene, as if from a movie, birdseye view, zooming in:


I'm sitting on a reclaimed fire truck I’d bought. It's parked on a piece of land within a pretty standard bungalow neighborhood. It feels like Florida. I’m sitting on top of it, where the ladders are stacked, looking out onto the neighborhood. The truck still needs work, some refurbishing and taking off of decals, etc. The sellers promised they would take care of it soon. Then it'll be mine 100%.

I’m wearing blue jeans, a navy wool blazer with gold buttons, and my white ribbed sweater. I'm sitting with my elbows on my knees, feeling very satisfied and in possession of myself and my world. I know there is plenty of work to do, and I feel right and good about it. I am conscious of thinking this to myself. I'm surveying the lay of the streets from my vantage point. How do I keep feeling this way all the time?

I wake up with this question in my head.


This dream was pretty pivotal for me. The feeling of satisfaction and rest imbued my cells for days. How do I keep that feeling within me everyday, amid all the stress and nonsense of life?

Coincidentally, I'd started meditating for the first time a week or so before having this dream. I'd do some visualizations, thank the Universe for a few recent gifts and repeated some affirmations. It's a great way to relax and catch as much sun as possible (I can only meditate in the sun).

One day shortly after this dream, I was mulling on the lesson I ought to be receiving from it and decided that it was that sense of possession of myself and my destiny. One of my affirmations from thereon was: "I am in full possession of my life and my destiny". It's a powerful incantation.

The outfit I wore in the dream was what I'd been wearing normally in life. After the dream, I continued to wear it, remembering the dream. Thinking of it as my "uniform". Believing that the dream had blessed it somehow. And I would, along with the mantra, really--finally--be in full control. Finally, rest and satisfaction and a sense of rightness.